And it’s dark…
feels hopeless…
I want to talk to no one…
write…
nothing.
#731… that You’re there…even in darkness.
A year named connect…
last year…
so much connecting…
But right now I only want to disconnect.
I want to sit in the dark, alone, no phone, no internets, nobody knocking at the door. I want a bubble around me, time not moving, me not moving.
Why?
#732… If all I have is nothing…I have You.
A monster under the bed…
If I pull the blanket over my head, I’m safe.
Right?
I heart reading you all…but I want to read nothing and no one right now.
I’m a twitter chatterbox…but suddenly not.
Why?
If I pull the blanket up and over nothing exists past the boundaries of me – right?
#733… You exist…I know this…I know this…I know this…
And it’s not circumstance.
A tough month? Year? Decade?
Yes.
But nothing is different from a week ago.
I can’t shake this.
I don’t want to shake it.
Sometimes my sleep deprivation does this. But not this time.
And it’s not a clinical depression…
they don’t blink into existence in a moment.
No, I can close my eyes…
see where light stopped…
darkness arrived…
…and the fog rolled in.
Only one thing has changed.
I have prayed many words…and even. just. one…help.
#734… that I can pray to You without a sound…without a sound.
There are times in life to slow down…
but now is not that time.
Still, I hear this faintly…
“All you don’t want to do…do it now.”
I think I could use your prayer.
I suspect this feeling is not too earthly…
I suspect in this new year I named “see”…
I’m seeing…
differently…
than I thought.
There is more to spiritual than the light, than good. No?
and the rest of the thank you’s to God…
#735… I can’t count the times that I’ve slipped, fallen from my high wall, and You have put me back together. No horses, no men, just You.
#736… for Laska…and the way stalks and attacks my legs, keeping his claws in, when he wants to play.
#737… that even when I’m under the blanket, alone, I’m never alone.
#738… that though all I can see is pitch black…I know…I know…I know…there’s light.
#739… that I can still hear You even though I can’t see.
#740… that I understand – exactly – how the deer pants for water (PS 42:1)
#741… that my faith in You is grounded, proven…really seems unshakeable…even now that it’s shaken.
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
My heart is with you. And my prayers. Your honesty is brave and appreciated by all.
thank you Carrie – I really wonder about writing the “honesty” stuff – sometimes it sounds like it’s whiny – thank you for telling me it’s not. God bless you my friend.
Praying friend…. somewhat understand the silence… am there too… even though my goal this year was NOT to be.
I know – I know my friend. if it were up to me God’s help for you would be a little less…silent. But we both know he’s there – so when it’s dark, we hang on, white knuckle to our shield of faith. God bless you Sharon. And thank you for your prayers.
I hear you friend and I’ve been there, too. Rejoicing for fresh mercies given every day and so thankful that, as we open our eyes through the gifts around us joy resounds.
boy, if you’ve been here, wow. “here” is awfully dark – but with the ray of sunlight. Eyes open… Eyes open. Thank you Rebecca, and God bless you.
My heart is with you: http://marinelareka.com/?cat=1051
thank you Marinela. I look forward to reading some of your poems – I read the snowflake one already – God bless you and thank you.
and of course your prayer poem too ツ
A very long time ago, I read the book, “Dark Night of the Soul.” In very deep, hard-to-read writings, the author described all that you have shared here, Craig. I know this place very well as I’ve been there. You could call me the Keeper of the Foggy Forest! I love that picture in some ways as it looks like a familiar place — the home of my soul.
Your word, “See,” intrigues me — so much so because you are already seeing. Have you ever thought about how God sees things? The darkness we live in and fight against, the walls we build, the blankies we cover our heads with, the closets we crawl into for safety and aloneness, etc. Yet, we tend to “see” the darkness and dwell on that while HE sees what’s IN the darkness — usually US! Your picture of the Foggy Forest — I see so much light and it draws me. Darkness is such a great place if we are drawn to that one ray of light because it tells us that we SEE all we need to see. I have a feeling you will be seeing a lot
of what you never expected in the coming year. Since it was HE who gave you this word and the desire for it to be fully opened up within you, then I would expect that there is something in that foggy forest that is very important for you to see. You will find it, Craig. In the meantime, Laska will keep you earthbound and balanced!!!!
Cora, yes…keeper of the Foggy Forest…I have been there so many times or for such a long time that I have recently decided to embrace it and see how that changed things…the acceptance of the dark and foggy. It is helping in the way that accepting physical pain helps or in the way that accepting an unavoidable or unchangeable loss helps. It doesn’t remove it. It just helps, somehow. Yet, that doesn’t mean the dark isn’t really, really dark. Deep dark. It’s just that I decided to stop fighting the fact that the lights were out. And I began to relax a bit in the dark. Who knows what I will learn to ‘see’ in this acceptance and this darkness? I am thankful Craig is taking us through the ‘see’ this year; parting the waters on this one for us, helping us all to learn knew things…new ways of seeing.
In one of Amy Carmichael’s writings, she says, “In acceptance lieth peace.” Sometimes it takes great wisdom to know the difference between acceptance and giving up. All day today, I thought of Craig’s year to “see” and this song kept going through my mind: “Open mine eyes that I may see Glimpses of truth Thou hast for me. Place in my hand the wonderful key That shall unclasp and set me free. Silently now, I wait for thee, Ready, my God, thy will to see. Open my eyes, illumine me, Spirit Divine.”
A., I so agree that dark can really be . . . . dark! I’m with you in wanting to learn to ‘see’ in this darkness. Perhaps in Craig’s journey through this coming year, we will be able to share with each other what we find as hidden treasures in our dark places!
Hmmmm. something in the foggy forest that I meant to see – thinking about that – thinking
Praying . ..and feeling kind of silly for my comment over at your other blog now. God bless you and protect you as you see like never before.
Debbie, I read the other comment, no need to feel silly! and I’m not seeking like never before – just doing it publicly – and giving it a name – and a little bit of focus. God bless you to Debbie
I think especially in those dark days (and I have seen a few) God is ever present. And this: ““All you don’t want to do…do it now.” I’ve heard that voice before too. And it’s right. Listen to it! Praying for light…that you may see it…soon. Thank you for sharing your struggle while you are still in it. That is plain brave!
It’s so often said – and everybody knows the saying – “the thing you fear is that which you should do” – it kind of goes with the “all you don’t want to do” statement. I’m listening. I’m listening. And it is lighter now – but that dark was absolutely horrible – came from nowhere – for no apparent reason. And only prayer made it go away. Interesting. Thank you Mari, thank you – and not so brave – just honest. God bless you.
Craig, I just had a nearly week-long complete episode of isolation…over Christmas…no phones, no computers, no tv, etc, no people, and it was balm at first….then I got pannicky and had to really lean into God and talk with Him alone…knowing there were no good people options for days…alone in the stinky, funky room…very alone. part of alone is ok sometimes, sometimes its not so ok, and sometimes there are things to learn in it…well, I guess there is always something to learn in it. People spend years in isolation in prisons. Alone. Their stories captivate me like no others do because I know that somehow God has equipped us to survive alone…truly alone…people-less…for long periods of time. It isn’t ideal, but I am intrigued by the stories of how they do it, and what they learn.
and alone is full of ‘no sound’ and slowing down, isn’t it? I don’t know the particulars of your ‘no sound’ but I am praying for you, and trusting for you in this time.
Like Cora said, Dark Night of the Soul is heavy reading but I liked it. There is another about a priest incarcerated in Russia for years and years and years…and five of those were in solitary…with food shoved through little hole in the door…even the sound (since there wasn’t sight of)the guard filled him with warmth…even though the guard was ‘the enemy’. But among other things, the priest came to ‘the end of himself’ there, and to the ‘beginning of God’. I am not at all saying you need that, just sharing a shred of the priest’s journey.
but this is your post, and craig, i am praying for you again, now.
A – this is going to be a short reply to your really nice – long comment. I know a lot about what you speak of – remember it took me until last year to have a year of “connection”. I get it A. I’m a little tired – that’s why the short – and late response – God bless!
Praying for you Craig. I understand. There is more to spiritual than light… yes…. darkness… sometimes the best way to see the sunrise is to go west into the darkness to see the sunrise… I forget who said that, but I heard that last fall and it has stuck with me.
My second year of rest is anything BUT and we haven’t even gotten far into the year. My husband had heart issues last night and we had to call the doctor, but at least it wasn’t an ER visit again. I have hardly slept in 24 hours now. But my mind is racing, so sleep is being elusive.
Katie, first thank you for your prayers, second thank you for understanding, and third, just like my year of “connect” surprised me – and this year of “see” is surprising me – maybe your year of rest has nothing at all to do with the material stuff, the physical life, maybe you meant it that way – maybe God didn’t. He’s full of surprises that ONE. God bless you Katie – just finished a prayer for you
Oh yes, I am aware rest involves physical, emotional, spiritual…. and more.
ツ
oh Craig!
praying for you today…
dont hide…dont give up…dont leave…dont stop reaching out…you have been a friend to me here and have been a cheerleader in my corner when hardly no one else was…
i humbly offer this–after reading your post today–dont cover your head up and hide. instead, move forward in service and love the way our Lord did! anytime i have obeyed His example and reached out to people–when my feet were heavy and i didnt want to go–and i obeyed and took them food when they were jobless, or baked pumpkin bread for christmas gifts–even in the face of possible rejection from folks who didnt like to have visitors at their door–God has always shown up in my life in a way i could not have imagined and true joy was formed deep in the crevices of my heart and bonds of friendships were forged even with the weariest and most skeptical of neighbors.
so i dont offer this in arrogance of mighty feats accomplished, or many trophies earned, but rather, from one fearful sojourner leaning on the cross to another, i offer to continue to look to the Lord’s example and the love of the friends that you have around you and as Ann says, to count the gifts……every day…write them down…not just on the Monday blog, but in a journal everyday…because herein lies your joy. please remember that though these people were very hurtful, they were only a few…and are only a few…but you have many others in this community who respect, admire and love you with the love of God, and that is a bond stronger than death.
and, just on a side note…i will tell you like you told me…DONT MAKE ME COME BACK THERE! haha. you know, Jesus is saying the same thing to you right now…can you hear him? can you hear him gently speaking to you?
i would like to share one other thing with you if i may…i KNOW this has already been long…i was doing my devotion today in Luke…and God’s gentle spirit hit me with this so acutely in the heart…Our Lord said to Peter, “Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.” Luke 22:31, 32
think about it…Peter may not have pulled through and lived the life of faith to God if it had n ot been for Jesus’ prayer. Satan had already gotten Judas…the bible says that Satan entered Judas Iscariot…wonder why Jesus didnt pray for him? because he wasnt one of his own children. But Jesus prayed for Peter, and he prays for us! What better person to have on your side! Jesus goes to the God of all creation, in the throne room of Heaven and intercedes for us, his children! think of this when you are persecuted, when your faith is tried, when you are hopeless and confused.
also…please check out this song, He Is On Our Side: this has ministered to me so many times..
http://youtu.be/f5-DjMpuM0M
praying today…
keep me in your prayers today too, i humbly ask? my father is in the hospital with possible heart problems after a triple bypass open heart surgery only a year and a half ago, and i also have had symptoms come back strong in the past several days…
blessings in His love,
your sister and friend,
Nacole
Nacole, this is going to be such a short reply to such a beautiful comment. I’m just really tired right now. I’m working so hard at everything – and nothing is really working – and that’s okay – not complaining – just tired. I get everything you say – even your comment is beautiful writing – you have such a gift girl – such a gift. And yes, I hear him saying that – and I remember saying to you – my prayer for you is complete – for today – and that song was nice – and blessings to you to my friend. I’d write more – just hired – and still have to respond to your e-mail ツ
He always seems to do His best work with me when things are most dark. I guess it’s so His light is ever brighter. Praying for you and that He will help you “see” whatever it is He’s trying to draw your attention to. Thanks for being real and transparent.
Christina, my current theory is that we just pay more attention when things are dark – like you turn the light off in your room – and you try to make it to your bed – and your a little more careful about where you step. At least that’s my current theory ツ I’ll be looking at this darkness that came in so quickly – and left only after prayer – there has to be something there to “see”. I say all the time to remember in the dark what our Lord has shown us in the light – this time I need to try to remember in the light what God showed me in the darkness. God bless you Christina – and thank you.
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