Today is day two of breaking the wild horses.
This one’s name? Pele, which is Portuguese…
for “hide”.
And I suddenly realize that as I’m doing this publicly, I’m letting a whole lot of me become visible. For a guy who has never really opened up to anybody – this isn’t easy.
It’s easier to hide the real me…
which brings me to my number two negative voice:
And now it gets placed in the training pen and gets grilled with questions…
If you are new to the Love War on the negative voices that hold us back, it began here, and all the horse stuff is explained here. And it has a whole category of its own over on the side bar – in the “lots of love” section.
Anyway…
the interrogation of the horse commences…
Where did you come from?
I learned it early, but not quickly, because before needing to learn it I neither sought the spotlight, nor was I afraid of it. But after the first beating, a spanking with a wire hanger because I hadn’t changed into my play clothes or made my bed. And this – before my mom married him. (So many of my voices go back to here, because it’s where I began to learn that it was safer to be invisible.
When do I hear you most?
When I make a mistake…
when I’m depressed…
when I’m in a scary new situation…
when there’s an unexpected and big crisis.
And this kind of makes sense because it goes back to when I learned the voice. The beatings came in a scary new unexpected crisis of a situation – and I was told I deserved the beatings because I made the mistakes. I didn’t understand the beatings and it turned me inside – to my own private world. Oh, how we hold on to what happens when we’re small.
How do I feel when I hear you?
I feel like nobody really wants to know me. If I put any part of myself out there I’ll be rejected. If nobody sees me nobody can hurt me.
What do I do when I hear you?
I close the drapes, curl up on the couch, and disappear into diversion or silence. In general, the darker the better, the quieter the safer. And I’m suddenly realizing that at this point that you guys now know more of me than almost anyone – ever. And the voice? It’s saying, “You really should have kept this hidden!”
What is the opposite of this response?
It’s being out there, involved with others, talking and listening to others, and stepping forward in boldness. It’s taking a well thought out risk. It means opening the curtains and my heart, climbing off the couch and into visibility, and connecting. No more of this going it alone.
Is there a positive nugget to be gleaned from this voice?
There is no chance of rejection if it’s just me. And there is no chance of failure if nothing is tried. (But negative voices never reveal the full truth)
If I were to pick one, and only one true fact that disproves this voice, what would that fact be?
When I hide the world doesn’t stop moving – time doesn’t stop ticking – and the thing I fear, that sends me into hiding, it’s always there when I, like a whale needing oxygen, surface. Hiding has never worked – never.
Knowing all of this – replace the old voice with a new and better one – a short one:
It’s safer to connect.
The horse has a new name…
It’s “Koppla”…
Swedish for “connect”.
I’ve asked questions, gotten answers…
but to be honest…
the horse is still bucking…
I’ll have to read this myself a few times before I can move on…
Because after spilling all of this…
guess what I feel like…
I feel like hiding.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Don’t hide! Your bravery is inspiring me. It can be easy to just peg the voices and say vaguely that they need to be fought, but I love your measured and determined warfare. Fight on, my friend!
Ruthie, as I write this reply this horse has been kicking and bucking for hours – nearly since I posted. Not every horse is going to be broken without a fight – and maybe some injury – but one thing that I have learned is this – whatever the voice makes you feel like doing – it’s exactly the opposite that needs getting done. So I’m pushing through today – fighting the good fight. I don’t want to – I want to close the curtains – but instead – doing the opposite. Thank you Ruthie – really, thank you – yours comment is one of the more well-timed I’ve ever received. God bless you.
Oh Craig, I am thankful beyond words that you shared this. I can relate. Not to the beatings, but to the wanting to hide, wanting to shut out everything, wanting to crawl up on the couch and disappear. Not only have I wanted, but I have done each of these things many times. Mine, too, stems from childhood, “Oh, how we hold on to what happens when we’re small.”
I went through a season where I pegged the voices, worked through them, spoke words of truth to them, and practiced that truth daily. I just told Sam a week or so ago that I needed to return to those practices.
If I come to a point of bravery such as yours I will post mine, as well.
it’s a strange thing, how the exact same voice can come to different people – and yet have totally different roots. And I’m going to pay close attention to your experience here – and learn from it – you say there was a time when you worked through these things – and are deciding to work through them again. It makes me think that just a one-time work through isn’t going to be good enough – that all of the work accomplished in this love war against the negative voices – it’ll need to stay front and center in my mind and heart and spirit. It warms my heart that you shared your struggle with Sam. It makes me happy for your marriage. (Smiling as I type that). God bless and keep you Amber.
Craig, when I don’t sleep for days on end, I HAVE to hide. I can’t face people, situations; I can’t think. But I can wash dishes, do laundry and prepare meals. So be it.
After 8 weeks NO drugs and 5 weeks feeling not a twinge of my 74 3/4 years, life was so very good. I saw people I hadn’t seen in months and monts and I smiled and they smiled back. Now I’m hiding and tired so tTonight I took a pill for restless legs and I will sleep. Perhaps tomorrow I will re-visit and glean more of your wisdom and God’s love here at this safe place.
God bless you and all your commenters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I keep forgetting, Liz, that although your “sleep thing” is different from mine – it can still be just as devastating. I know EXACTLY what you’re speaking of. Thank you Liz – thank you – and as always – God bless you – AND MY COMMENTERS ツ
Thank you, Craig, for not hiding. Praying for you as you push through. You are helping each of us to do the same. And I love totally the new voice . . it’s safer to connect. I just love it.
God bless you and keep you connecting! so thankful for all the comments too!
oh, I did hide for a little bit – until I figured out that I shouldn’t be hiding – that whatever the voices tell me – since I know and recognize them as negative voices – I know to do the exact opposite. but this one got me a little bit before I got it back. The “year of connecting” continues ツGod bless you Debbie.