I had done everything I could…
everything done nearly without flaw…
but the very last step…
the one so easy I could almost have done it with my eyes closed…
one mistake, in literally the last minute, and it ruined months of progress…
and the effects will likely continue for months to come.
Anger at myself ran hot…
on a scale from flame to forest fire…
surface of the sun.
And the things I said to myself I would never say to anyone else – such loathing, and cruelty, and hatred even.
And in the midst of the angry lashing out at myself I noticed something…
One of my thoughts was this…
One of the things I kept repeating to myself was this…
One of the things I wanted to do was this…
And because I have been thinking about these negative voices, and they’ve been in my corral for weeks now, I recognized them.
So I stepped up to my big corral, my Love War Wall.
If this is your first time hearing about this Love War Wall, it all began here, and the whole Love War is chronicled over on the sidebar, in the “Lots of Love” section.
If you’re wondering about posty notes and corrals, this should cover it.
And I began pulling each posty note that had written on it what I was telling myself. One by one moving them all to the left.
And by the time I was done I found there were 18 of them.
18 of the negative voices that I had cataloged during the first week or so of this Love War.
Naturally one of them was my number one…
three more of them came from the remainder of my top 10…
the rest of them were from the big corral…
and when I pulled off and repositioned each one…
that voice stopped in my head…
and by the time I repositioned them all…
all of them had been silenced.
And a triple epiphany:
1. The “negative voices” – we say them to ourselves. Sometimes verbally, but mostly just by thinking them. (I’ve actually been wanting a chance to clear up any misconception that I was actually “hearing” voices) (◠‿◠)
2. The negative voices sometimes attack en masse. They pile on one after another and the collective weight breaks us down.
3. The thing the negative voices make us want to do. It’s the exact opposite that I must do – even if I don’t want to, even if my heart’s not in it.
If I hadn’t spent all that time thinking of all the negative voices that enter my head…
If I hadn’t corralled them up and left them on my wall all this time…
I wouldn’t have recognized them as the shadows that they are.
I would have believed them all again.
I would have multiplied the devastation of the situation…
18 times.
I would have become the kitten – but instead, they did.
I still had to deal with the circumstances…
but the voices were just posty notes…
and now they were silenced and the tempest they created lost it’s power…
and I was stilled…
and a stilled mind, heart, and spirit knows more, and can do more.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Silencing the voices that aren’t really there anyway. Oh, they’re there….but not REALLY. Right? Funny how putting them on paper, making them REALLY there, shows them up for how false and shadowy and insubstantial they really are. When the light hits them, their darkness diminishes until POOF! Gone. Now….to make mine so insubstantial as yours have become….
Oh, they’re there….but not REALLY. – ABSOLUTELY! And it really is strange how writing them down – and giving them actual substance – takes away their substance. That was a shocker! And by the way, mine only became “insubstantial” on that day – for those particular 18 voices. The love war on the negative voices is, as I said, in the home stretch – it’s not across the finish line yet – but these last few steps, this next week or so – I’m thinking those will be good to cross the finish line with. Thank you Kim, thank you – and God bless and keep you and all of yours.
PS I’m sorry I’m so late replying to your comment – too much to do – not enough time – excuses excuses, etc. etc., blah blah – really no excuse – just sorry – thank you again!
It is sinking in that I must really focus in a good way on the negative voices for a time for them to be properly dealt with. That jumped out at me today from your writing…that focusing on these ‘negative’ things is helpful for a season or purpose.